


Home of Phobia

by Tales_Of_Chrom



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, From Akira's pov, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, OR IS IT, Pining, but it's mutual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 16:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21274277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tales_Of_Chrom/pseuds/Tales_Of_Chrom
Summary: Maybe everything would have been easier if he was born normal.





	Home of Phobia

**Author's Note:**

> sad boy hours. Some of this stuff might be triggering so be careful.

Akira knew he was gay. That much was obvious. Girls were nice, of course they were nice, way nicer than boys at least. Boys were kind of gross, kind of loud, maybe a little rough around the edges. And he couldn’t stop thinking about them. If he had 100 yen for every dude he watched leave the bathroom without washing their hands then Akira would be off living in some swanky penthouse in Los Angeles.

Or maybe he would put it away for a rainy day. Akira didn’t know. But he did know for certain that fact didn’t deter him from getting a stiff one once or twice in the locker room when changing around his fellow students. It was all too easy to deflect though, writing it off as “thinking of that hot mag I was reading the other night and definitely not thinking about how amazing your abs look or how big your dick is bro”.

Fuck. He would rather fucking die than ever tell anyone was gay. His parents didn’t know, thank fucking god. Sojiro didn’t know. Ryuji didn’t know. Makoto didn’t know. Haru didn’t know. Futaba didn’t know, he was careful to never use his phone for porn ever again. Not even Morgana knew and Yusuke… Akira had some suspicions about him. But Ann.... she always smiled knowingly at him. It scared him. Maybe she knew, maybe she didn’t but in Akira’s paranoid little mind she knew, and that idea alone never failed to shake him to his core. 

God. What would Ryuji think if he ever found out. Would he stop throwing his arm around his shoulders? Would he stop inviting Akira out to work out and stop going out to ramen with him? Would he stop giving him that smile that made him feel like maybe life was worth living after all? Would he never buy him a soda again? Fuck. Akira’s hands curled into tight fists around the blankets on the edge of his bed. Why couldn’t he have just been **normal.**

He was Joker. He was the leader of the Phantom Thieves. He was cool, confident and sexy. A man’s man. And men liked women. At least that’s what society would have him believe. Akira grit his teeth so hard his jaw started to hurt. Fuck society. Who gave them the goddamn right to decide who got to be with who? Just because he had a dick he couldn’t like people with dicks? He needed a vagina to be valid to date guys? Fuck that. Society never gave two shits about anyone who didn’t fit their neat little molds anyways. This is all their fault. Their fault he’s scared of being himself. Their fault he’s scared of losing his best friend over something so fucking _trivial!_ Fuckers.

~

Goro Fucking Akechi. That guy. What an asshole, what a beautiful, handsome, attractive asshole. Akira was far from daft. He knew the other man was just acting, anyone who thought otherwise needed a reality check. Everyone could practically see where the “peel from this edge” sticker was on the corner of his stupid plastic smiles and those little chuckles were just hot air. And yet that spark of interest in those burgundy eyes that were focused on just him when he said that the Phantom Thieves did more than the cops... Oh boy it awakened something within Akira, something he had hoped to keep repressed for the rest of his life.

~

Goro visited Leblanc quite regularly after that. Akira had a feeling he was waiting around for him to come back from school or whatever because more often than not Goro would be sitting somewhat awkwardly in the middle of the five chairs at the bar so he could face the door. It was endearing. Dangerously so. Ryuji and the others said it was suspicious but Akira couldn’t care less. 

Goro Akechi, waiting for him to get home. Just for **him**. Akira was careful to not let his mind come up with anything rash but that didn’t stop his heart from beating a bit faster than normal whenever he saw Goro. 

And his other, smaller head certainly was never any help.

He learned that Goro liked to take his coffee black in front of Sojiro, probably to impress the man. Akira couldn’t blame him, Sojiro’s almost fatherlike approval did feel nice and he loathed to lose it himself. But when Sojiro was away Goro would take his coffee with sugar and cream. It was because Akira was still learning and his coffee didn’t taste as good, at least that’s what Goro had joked (Akira hoped). The barista suspected it was actually Goro’s preferred state of coffee if the the way Goro’s lips tightened up just slightly after drinking a black cup of coffee said anything. Seeing the detective pour cream into coffee and add teaspoon after teaspoon of sugar made Akira feel warm and fuzzy for some reason. It was just a little bit of the “true” Goro Akechi but Akira drank it up, secretly reveling in how comfortable the other boy had to be to let his mask or maturity slip just a bit in front of him. 

He wanted more.

~

Akira clearly remembered the first time he jerked off thinking about Goro. It was shortly after their first chess match. It’s true that there was nothing inherently seductive or sexy about chess but the way Goro’s lips curled up at the edges when he noticed Akira’s “totally not on purpose” mistaken moves and the way he seemed to gaze past the stupid fake glasses and into his eyes like he was always trying to analyze him, trying to know him... It was… scary, yeah, but it was also exciting and maybe kind of hot. 

So hot that later that night he convinced Ann to take Morgana for the night and rubbed his dick raw just from the memory of the chess match alone. And maybe from a selfie on Goro’s instagram. Okay maybe 2 selfies. Fuck it, most of Akira’s saved posts were just carefully manicured selfies of Goro Akechi. He had one hand slathered in lube, rubbing just beneath the head of his cock and the other gripping his phone, scrolling from selfie to selfie. God he was so fake. What he wouldn’t give to see a genuine Goro. A nice, real smile maybe. A laugh from the belly and not from just his mouth. Goro’s mouth around his cock with his eyes closed in concentration an- Akira had never come so hard in his life. Goddammit. 

~

Akira knew he was playing with fire. Sexy, mysterious fire. He knew Goro knew about the Metaverse and the detective's bugged phone revealed he planned to put a bullet between his eyes just to make life a little harder for him, like it wasn't hard enough already. Maybe Akira got off from the danger of it all. Of course the Metaverse was thrilling in its own right but dancing with the man who planned to steal away his last breath... Akira excused himself to the bathroom and all but yanked down the zipper of his jeans, freeing his stupid dick from its tight confines. Stupid hormones. Stupid murder plot. Stupid Goro Akechi. Didn’t he know that he already won? Akira didn’t know whether he preferred the slow death or the fast one. 

~

Sometimes Akira fantasized about being born a girl. Life would have been so much easier for him then, at least in regards to his love life, or rather, lack thereof. He would be able to take Goro back home to his parents, proudly presenting who he had chosen to be his one and only. His parents might have smiled for once to put on a show for Goro, making him think that they were just your average happy little family that would never ever ship their kid off to tokyo and barely speak with him for a year. Maybe his dad would say he was proud of him and warn Goro to treat his daughter right. Maybe his mom would help him pick a wedding dress and be his maid of honour (yeah right,if he was getting married it would be Ann but still-). Maybe Ryuji would question his decision to date Goro but eventually support him because they were best friends. Maybe Goro and him could hold hands in public or share a booth without getting the side eye. Maybe Sojiro would clap him on the back and give him that pep talk about being careful around men. Maybe he wouldn’t be in this dumb mess in the first place. Maybe he could have been happy. 

Maybe it would have been easier if Goro was a girl too. He had hair that looked girly enough and he had such a pretty face. Maybe he was a girl in his past life or something. Yeah. That’s it. Akira tried to imagine that, Goro Akechi with tits and a pussy. His hardon wilted sadly at the thought every time and Akira couldn’t help but growl in frustration. Traitor. Fucking traitor. 

~

Would Goro Akechi ever return his affections? Probably not. That was just Akira’s pipe dream. He was a celebrity so dating was out of the picture, but imagine a scandal coming out where beloved Goro Akechi, detective prince, was caught dating another man. He would be ruined. _He_ would be ruined. Then everyone would know, everyone. Akechi would probably call it off in an attempt to save face, maybe he would just say it was for an undercover investigation or something. But what would Akira do? What excuse did Akira have? That he was also just kidding to 'keep his friends close and his enemies closer'? Yeah right. Ann would call bullshit on him so fast she'd set a new world speed record, but surely she wouldn't do that to him, right? She was a friend. A friend he could trust. He could definitely trust Ann not to say anything, she hadn't said anything yet. _But she could_ and Akira would be lying to himself if he said that didn't terrify him. Akira definitely never cried himself to sleep thinking all these stupid things, of course not. The leader of the Phantom Thieves never cried and certainly not over Goro Akechi. __

_ __ _

~

_ __ _

Their first kiss felt like a sin. Against who? Hell if Akira knew. Goro had been talking about some guy named Hegel or whatever and perhaps Akira had zoned out, getting lost in the detective’s eyes. 

_ __ _

“Anyhow, what do you think about it?” 

_ __ _

Shit. 

_ __ _

“Ah, I dunno. Sorry I was just thinking about my school work.”

_ __ _

Akechi seemed to wilt a little. “Ah I see, you must be rather busy these days.”

_ __ _

“Just a little, but I will always make time for you.” 

_ __ _

Pink spread across Goro’s cheeks like cracks spider webbing across glass as he turned away so Akira couldn’t see those eyes he loved so much. “You say the most peculiar things Kurusu-kun. You shouldn’t get my hopes up.”

_ __ _

“Maybe I’m trying to get your hopes up.” Goro froze and didn’t turn to face him right away.

_ __ _

Shit. 

_ __ _

Akira quickly scrambled around in his mind, searching for any way to un-dig the hole he had dug for himself. Goro started to turn around before his fix-it formula was done and Akira almost panicked. Almost. He just shoved his hands in his pockets and kept his face carefully neutral. Goro was looking at him again and for once, Akira wanted him to stop. He wanted to sink down into the ground and disappear. The brunet leaned forward onto the counter and all but whispered, “Well, my hopes are up then.”

_ __ _

Oh. A challenge. Joker never backed down from a challenge. Akira did a quick scan of Goro’s body language and took into account the way his eyes were half lid and the way he had said what he just said. 

_ __ _

And then they kissed. 

_ __ _

If Akira was to believe all the movies he watched and the stories he read then first kisses were supposed to be magical. They would sent sparks flying, they’d become soulmates and then afterwards they would live happily ever after or something. 

_ __ _

It just felt awkward and cold and like it lasted forever but it was more like 2 seconds before Akira rushed back like he had been shocked by lightning, fear getting the better of him. Akechi seemed surprised that Akira had rushed back so fast but then he seemed disappointed.

_ __ _

“I’m sorry-” What was Akira even apologizing for?

_ __ _

“No no, I…” Akechi trailed off before getting off the chair and grabbing his case from the floor. “I have to go now. Thank you for the coffee.”

_ __ _

And then the bell over the door chimed and he was gone.

_ __ _

Akira’s heart had beat so fast it shattered. 

_ __ _

He cleaned up shop like he was supposed to and brushed his teeth and put on his comfy bedtime clothes and thanked whatever God was listening for Morgana wanting to stay over at Haru’s for a few days and then collapsed on his crate bed just in time for the first sob to claw its way out of his throat. 

_ __ _

Akechi was supposed to be a crush. Just a crush. The fact that he even got to speak to him one on one was a privilege and he had just lost it. It slipped through his fucking fingers because he was a moron and he couldn’t fucking control himself. Akechi would probably never come back. Would he even want to hang out again? Would he stop saying hi to him at the station? Another sob wracked his body and Akira buried his face into his pillow, trying to drown out his own pathetic noises, trying to smother his emotions. Why couldn’t he have been a girl? Why couldn’t he have just been straight? Why? 

_ __ _

_ Why? _

_ __ _

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this to be done for Halloween because internalized homophobia is really scary and spooky but I maybe or maybe not was playing dead by daylight on ps4 so hm. The title was a stand in until I could think of something #deeper but I blanked out. Feelsbad
> 
> I kept on finding stuff I suddenly didn't like anymore so this has been altered and added to a little since it was posted at like 3pm. never be afraid to go back and doubt yourself!


End file.
